Thank you, Eleanor Fisher

My friend Eleanor Fisher died on Sunday.

You might be wondering what this has to do with Powerful Presence. It has a lot to do with it.

Powerful Presence is your impact on other people; it can only be identified in your interactions. From the moment we met, in the lobby of the Denver Sheraton West Hotel in August 2002, I experienced Eleanor’s presence as powerful. She was the most completely authentic person I have ever known.

She was fierce – as a champion for diversity, in her pursuit of excellence in her work, and in her love for all people, especially her friends. Eleanor’s love was like a down comforter and a cup of hot tea on a cold day – and you always felt it, whether you were in her presence or not.

We worked closely together for 3 years on the Diversity Council (formerly SEPAC). After becoming instant friends, we deepened our relationship through our experiences in the work.

Around 2005, she left the government agency where she worked. (I had completed my consulting work there.) She had been battling cancer for several years; her practice was to come to work after taking her chemo treatments. During that time, she was the weakest I had ever seen her. The  sudden death of the man she loved in late 2004 had really taken a toll on her. She was weak in her body – although every bit as fierce in her heart.

Our last visit was in her room at Reston Hospital.

She had been rushed there by a friend; another of our mutual friends told me where she was. Everyone thought the cancer would win and this would be it. She had been fighting so hard for so long.

Even from her hospital bed, her presence was powerful – and she was focused on me, not herself. I thought this was the end of her life – she assured me that it was not.

Then I lost touch with her after I moved to Ohio; the details don’t matter now. I thought of her often, yet I didn’t want to know who had won her battle with cancer. That was over 4 years ago.

By sheer stroke of luck, we found each other on Facebook on October 15. Each of us did a virtual dance of joy and promised to talk “soon.”

Ten days later, she was dead.

So here’s the final gift I got from Eleanor Fisher: the understanding that it’s never too late to reach out and tell people that you love them, that they matter to you and that you treasure their presence in your life.

Do it NOW – and pass it on.

Bring About What You Think About When You Speak

The worst nightmare for anyone who has to speak in front of an audience is the one in which they “get a case of the nerves” and totally blow their presentation.

You know what I mean – the case of nerves that seems to take over your entire body. It starts out as “nerves” and descends rapidly into “abject terror.”

This is the reason the most people would rather be in the coffin than speak the eulogy.

When I say that “you bring about what you think about” when you’re speaking, there’s a very good reason: although the physiological response we are talking about happens in your body, it’s your brain that processes it and gives it meaning. It’s the meaning you assign to whatever is happening that creates your experience.

Don’t take my word for this – try it out yourself.

Do this experiment in the privacy of your own home – and make sure you’re alone when you do it. (Trust me on this one.)

Stand up and imagine you are speaking in front of an audience and that case of nerves begins. (Just think about the last time it happened to you – the feeling will come right back!) Now let’s do a body scan.

Scan your body:

Mouth? (Dry)
Armpits? (Wet)
Palms? (Wet)
Behind your knees? (Wet)
Your heart rate? (Fast)
Your breathing? (Shallow)
Knees? (Shaking)
And…
Your tongue? (Feels like your shoe)

Right now, you’re probably thinking, “This is bringing on a bad case of abject terror, so stop doing whatever you are doing – immediately!!”

Fortunately, this is just an exercise – so shake that off.

Move to another spot in the room and let’s try something else.

Remember falling in love? Remember when you knew you were in love, but you hadn’t shared that feeling with the other person yet, so it was your little secret space to inhabit for a little while? Remember that heady feeling that took over your whole body whenever the object of your affection entered the room?

Imagine yourself in that experience right now and let’s do another body scan: 

Mouth? (Dry)
Armits? (Wet)
Palms? (Wet)
Behind your knees? (Wet)
Your heart rate? (Fast)
Your breathing? (Shallow)
Knees? (Shaking)
And…
Your tongue? (Feels like your shoe)

And that’s how you know it’s love!

Wait a minute… do you notice anything interesting here? It turns out that the physiological symptoms of abject terror when you’re speaking are an exact match for the physiological symptoms of being in love. 

The good news is that you are completely in charge of what you think about.

So if you will believe for one moment that “what you think about you bring about” you actually have an escape plan from the experience of “abject terror” when you are speaking in front of a real group.

The minute you start to feel those physiological symptoms creeping in, say to yourself “I really LOVE this audience!” That ought to crack you up long enough to be able to relax and enjoy yourself. 

Breathe out – give your audience a big smile – and give them some love.

It’s funny how doing that one small thing will make your brain work again and all of the things you’ve prepared to say will flow right out of your mouth.

Try it next time you speak – and let me know what happens!

The Essence of Becoming

Right now, whether you realize it or not, you are Becoming something. 

Do you know what it is?  Is it smarter, or just older; more flexible or more stuck; more open or more certain; more friendly or more solitary? 

The list is as long as your imagination allows, but its length is not the important thing. The important thing is whether or not you are paying attention.

 Like breathing, Becoming is a natural process that happens whether you are engaged in it or not. Breathing is one of those things that you can regulate at will. When you’re not regulating it, it will happen without your attention, so that you can continue to exist. 

Becoming works the same way – you can pay attention to it, plan for it, watch it and adjust – or not. It will move you forward without your notice, until one day you wake up and realize that you are not the person you were. While you were attending to other things (and other people), you became someone you don’t recognize. 

As disconcerting as that can be, from your awareness of it comes your call to travel the road – back to yourself.   

There are some times when it’s easier to notice this opportunity: when you get a new job or are let go from your old one, when you get passed over for a promotion or lose a big client, when there is a change in your level of health or the level of health in someone you love, when your last child leaves home for college or your spouse decides that s/he is finished with your marriage, when you move to a new town or a new community. 

Very often, Becoming feels like a struggle. It is – and with the struggle come all the gifts that can only be gotten that hard way. 

The best description I have ever seen of the process is this poem by Elle Harrison. I have her permission to share it with you.

 THE END OF THE ROAD

 Bare foot,

hair flying,

eyes wild with panic

your silhouette pounds

desperately

along the road to nowhere.

 
It is dark,

but light enough to see

you have reached the end of the road.

 
Stone rises sharply on all sides

and the naked face of the cliff

laughs its painful message:

There is No Way Through.

 

And now you are drowning,

turning under into the grey waters of grief

yet again

twisting round and round

in this endless battle of life over ego.

 

Surrender.

Lean against the rock and

rest here, under the stars.

Listen,

they are singing you a song

glittering with life and hope and love.

 

Even a rock womb is a womb

and from every womb is born

a new being.

 

Rest into the wisdom of life.

Stoke the fire with your dreams

and let the smoke rise up

twisting its way into the emptiness,

pregnant with the longing of your

unborn being.

 

Tear up your plans.

Stamp out your hopes.

Burn your desires.

They are too small.

 

Drink in the silence and

wait, little one.

You cannot force your way through.

You must let life find You.

 

© Elle Harrison, 2008

 

Letting “Life find you” is the essence of Becoming. It’s an exploration I hope you will join me on in future blogs.

Yes! You Can Remember Names

The 21^st century has brought with it a sensory overload that humans have never faced before. There are days when a lot of people find it daunting to remember their own names, let alone someone else’s. So when they think about attending yet another function, meeting yet another crowd of new people, the sensory overload can be enough to induce a total brain meltdown.

It wasn’t always like this. There was probably at least one time in your life when you actually remembered the name of a person you just met.

Think back to that time.

You saw someone across a crowded room and thought to yourself, “OH! I have got to meet that person!” This might be the person you later married, created a business with, or with whom you became a dear friend.

The remarkable thing about this is that you remembered their name the moment it came out of their mouth!

How did that happen?

There were three elements present that you may not have been conscious of at the time–three elements that will help you to remember anyone’s name – anytime.

1. You were curious.

2. You were interested.

3. You were focused.

People ask me all the time if I am using a mnemonic technique to remember people’s names. I don’t use any techniques–I just use those three elements.

As a result, I can typically remember the names (and the faces they go with) of up to 50 people I have just met. In my classes, I teach other people how to do it. They are amazed at how simple it is.

So let’s take it step by step, so you can try it out yourself.

You are curious.

Think about what it’s like when you are curious. For most people, the single most important ingredient of curious is the element of “I wonder.” If you’re unclear about that one, consider it from its opposite: “I’m certain.” When you are certain, your brain is filled up with what you already know–there’s no extra space to discover anything new. When you are wondering, the space is there–enough to discover a new name.

You are interested.

Think about what it’s like when you are interested. It doesn’t matter what you are interested in–interest in anything allows you to receive information in a very direct way.

It’s like your brain is a huge filter for everything about this topic, this place, this person. Interest acts as a filter, because we simply can’t process all the information available to us; we have to choose what gets through. Choosing also sets the filter to automatic, so we don’t have to think about it again. That’s how everything about (our interest) gets right into our brain, the moment it crosses our path.

When you were interested in that person across a crowded room, you could filter out everything else around you–so it felt like no one else was there but you two. Learning a new name is exactly like that–when you are interested, that name makes a direct bee-line to your brain. It’s like a basketball slam-dunk.

You are focused.

Think about what it’s like when you are focused. This is much easier if you are interested–or if you are curious. Focus lets you block out any other information–like shining a spotlight on one thing. If you have a child in soccer or football, focus is what lets you track your girl or boy all around the field, no matter what else is happening or how many others are around.You focus on what you pay attention to–and the name of someone you just met  easily fits into that category. 

There is one final thing that you probably did with that person you saw across a crowded room–sooner, or later–you introduced him or her to everyone you know. The final step of my strategy–after being curious, interested and focused–is to introduce the new people you meet to each other.  It’s amazing what can happen when you do that!

Keeping a Positive Focus in Your Speaking

Last week we talked about the benefits of staying positive in the face of what can feel like “adversity.” This week, let’s explore it in the context of speaking.

Because I love to speak in public and because I have no fear about doing it, I had to test my theory about keeping a positive focus on something that truly terrified me.

Dancing.

As a child I was told I was a klutz; for years I took that label to heart and never tested it.

How many of you were told, by some teacher or authority figure, that you had no speaking skill? They never tell you that kind of thing in private, so of course you heard it in public–along with everybody else. That kind of feedback is always more deadly in front of witnesses.

How many of you, like me, never tested that label and grew up believing it? (You know who you are.) When it came to dancing, that was true for me. So I decided that the ultimate test of my theory would be to take it to a dance class.

Truth be told, 30 years ago, I took two sessions of an 8-week ballet class–without the benefit of my theory. I give myself credit for going back for session two, although when session two seemed even more hopeless than session one, dancing was over for me. The pain of focusing on my flaws, in the presence of the grace of the others in the class, was too much for me. I just chalked it up to my being a klutz and never looked back.

So thirty years have passed and now I have my theory–and a sense of humor. What did I have to lose? When I got the opportunity to attend a class on belly dancing, I thought, “What the heck? How much worse could it be?”

That’s when I recognized the first tip on my strategy: when you believe that you have nothing to lose by trying, you relax and lighten up. It makes learning anything new much easier.

That belief came in really handy at my first class, because it was obvious to me that I was Frankenstein’s Sister.

Every bit of 6-feet-tall Frankenstein’s Sister, in a room full of 5-foot-5 Dancing Divas. Clearly, these women had taken years of ballet, jazz, tap –or baton twirling. What they felt like to themselves was irrelevant to me; Dancing Divas was how I saw them. I was trying to focus on the positive, so I just paid attention to the fact that I was still breathing.

That night, the most positive thing I could report was the acknowledgement that I stayed, instead of running out of the room in humiliation. (How often after your first attempt at public speaking do you want to do just that?)

That’s when I recognized the second tip of this strategy: when you are willing to stay, that feeling of humiliation passes.

When I returned for the second class, I heard something amazing: all the great dancers have 5 or 6 moves that they naturally do well. The famous ones make theirs the foundation of all of their choreography; they become famous because they make it look effortless. Their secret is that they are simply being themselves.

So I looked for my 5 or 6 things.

Great speakers make it look effortless–because they are being themselves, using the 5 or 6 things that they naturally do well. If you think about it, great speakers come in all sizes and both genders. There are no two alike, yet their impact is identical!

After that I went back for several more sessions–until I discovered I could take private lessons. That’s where I really got good at belly dancing. It turns out that learning to dance is easier for me in a one-on-one format.

That led me to my third tip of this strategy: there is always more than one way to do anything.

Now I know that I am truly a dancer, because I have just as much fun dancing as I do speaking. Sometimes I even do them both at the same time.

How about you? What would happen if you focused on what you already do well, and use it when you speak?  Your focus on the positive could transform your speaking experience.

Keeping a Positive Focus

It’s been over 6 months since I’ve written this blog – and I’ve got two ways to think about it. 

I could use a negative focus and consider what I have done poorly; in that case, I’m a total slacker (in public!) for not writing.

 I could use a positive focus and consider what I have done well; in that case, I have simply taken the time I needed to wholeheartedly commit to this blog. 

I like the second one – and when I look at what I have done in the last 6 months, it helps me focus on what I want to do for the next 6.

(To see what I was doing, visit www.maiabeatty.com) 

Now you’ll find me here every week as we explore Powerful Presence from every angle possible, starting with the three perspectives of Speaking, Relating and Becoming. 

Last week, I was traveling. Although my intention was to keep a positive focus on what I do well, this particular trip offered me daily opportunities to see myself struggle. 

What’s up with that?? 

You’d think that a positive focus would be very easy for me. You’d think that since my belief in it is so strong that it’s now a part of my DNA, this should certainly be a no-brainer.  

It’s not any easier for me than it is for anyone else – although it is simpler. Let me tell you why. 

When I choose a negative focus and concentrate on what I’m not doing well, I get myself into a totally disempowering state. I doubt my ability to do anything well – even things that are unrelated to my present difficulty. The simple truth is that when I get myself into this state, it always makes the struggle worse. 

The terrible part is that I can no longer access any of my behavioral strategies or the personal resources that would help me.   

I HATE IT when that happens – so I have to keep it simple and stay positive. 

I have learned, through trial and error, that this practice has a purpose: it helps your brain work better. It helps you get creative – even in the midst of your struggle. It acts as a filter to help you identify what you CAN do, instead of overwhelming you with what you CAN’T. 

This trip offered me lots of opportunities to focus on some things I don’t do well: managing lots of details, remembering where I put my belongings, coordinating more than 3 or 4 activities on the fly, driving in heavy traffic. 

A sense of humor is my secret weapon for keeping a positive focus (“Semper GUMBY! = Always FLEXIBLE! – or the closest approximation of flexible that is humanly possible at this moment”). I can also make it really funny when I recap the situation in a blog or a speaking engagement. 

By keeping a positive focus, I can see the gifts that come with every challenging situation. 

Some of last week’s gifts:

1. I spent time with many people who are important to me.
2. I had a hysterically funny instant realization – in front of witnesses! – that I had left my casual clothes for the evening’s picnic in the Hyatt Hotel’s public bathroom, 10 miles away, 8 hours before.
3. I had the opportunity to create a quirky new outfit for the picnic.
4. I commandeered my blood draw at the Dr’s office by wearing noise-canceling headphones and listening to Vivaldi on my ipod
5. I was given some cool commando sunglasses after I “lost” my prescription ones within 30 minutes of arriving (I found them 5 days later at the bottom of my suitcase…)   

So how about you? Have you taken the opportunity this week to pick one day to focus on what you are doing well? Although this is not an exact science, I can promise you that it’s a very useful one. 

Next week, we’ll investigate how to use this strategy when you are speaking in public. Until then, have a illuminating week!

Leaping Into 2009 with Powerful Presence

Hi there!

 

Thanks for joining me. This is the inaugural blog of my Practical Tools for Powerful Presence.

 

 

I did a Google search today and came up with almost 400,000 references to “powerful presence” – and few of them even mentioned how to create it without the services of a professional image consultant. It’s like powerful presence exists, but you really can’t quantify it enough to figure it out – it’s only a “what” not a “how”.

 

I disagree.

 

Over the last 30 years or so, I’ve been increasing my own levels of powerful presence – and helping other people increase theirs as well.

 

What I’ve discovered is that your ability to radiate powerful presence (that thing that makes people’s heads turn when you walk in the room) is more complicated than your “image”, yet it’s so simple that it almost escapes your notice.

 

Powerful Presence is more about being authentically YOU, comfortable in your own skin, and “present”. Completely in the moment: being YOU, right here right now – without apologies or explanations, because it’s not ABOUT you. (It’s starting to sound a lot like a really good blog…)

 

Your ability to be “present” with another person (let alone a roomful or stadium full of people) is completely affected by what you’re paying attention to in the moment – and if your attention is on yourself when you are with those others, there is no space for your presence.

 

Of course that is simply my opinion – not the “truth.” But that, as they say is a whole ‘nother Oprah – one that I hope you will stay around and explore with me.